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| Located here are various quotes from the five books that strike me as humorous in some way. In times of darkness a good sense of humor is essential! |
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| "'Fancy seeing you here, Professor McGonagall.'
"He turned to smile at the tabby, but it had gone. Instead he was smiling at a rather severe-looking woman who was wearing square glasses exactly the shape of the markings the cat had had around its eyes. She, too, was wearing a cloak, an emerald one. Her black hair was drawn into a tight bun. She looked distinctly ruffled.
"'How did you know it was me?' she asked.
"'My dear Professor, I've never seen a cat sit so stiffly.'"
* * * |
| "'It certainly seems so,' said Dumbledore. 'We have much to be thankful for. Would you care for a lemon drop?'
"'A what?'
"'A lemon drop. They're a kind of Muggle sweet I'm rather fond of.'
"'No, thank you,' said Professor McGonagall coldly, as though she didn't think this was the moment for lemon drops. 'As I say, even if You-Know-Who has gone --'
"'My dear Professor, surely a sensible person like yourself can call him by his name? All this "You-Know-Who" nonsense -- for eleven years I have been trying to persuade people to call him by his proper name: Voldemort.' Professor McGonagall flinched, but Dumbledore, who was unsticking two lemon drops, seemed not to notice. 'It all gets so confusing if we keep saying "You-Know-Who." I have never seen any reason to be frightened of saying Voldemort's name.'
"'I know you haven't,' said Professor McGonagall, sounding half exasperated, half admiring. 'But you're different. Everyone knows you're the only one You-Know- oh, all right, Voldemort, was frightened of.'
"'You flatter me,' said Dumbledore calmly. 'Voldemort had powers I will never have.'
"'Only because you're too -- well -- noble to use them.'
"'It's lucky it's dark. I haven't blushed so much since Madam Pomfrey told me she liked my new earmuffs.'"
* * * |
| "'Now, you two -- this year, you behave yourselves. If I get one more owl telling me you've -- you've blown up a toilet or --'
"'Blown up a toilet? We've never blown up a toilet.'
"'Great idea though, thanks, Mum.'"
* * * |
| "'Don't, Ginny, we'll send you loads of owls.'
"'We'll send you a Hogwarts toilet seat.'
"'George!'
"'Only joking, Mum.'"
* * * |
| "'Tokens from your friends and admirers,' said Dumbledore, beaming. 'What happened down in the dungeons between you and Professor Quirrell is a complete secret, so, naturally, the whole school knows. I believe your friends Misters Fred and George Weasley were responsible for trying to send you a toilet seat. No doubt they thought it would amuse you. Madam Pomfrey, however, felt it might not be very hygienic, and confiscated it.'"
* * * |
| "'Oh, you know about Nicolas?' said Dumbledore, sounding quite delighted. 'You did do the thing properly, didn't you? Well, Nicolas and I have had a little chat, and agreed it's all for the best.'"
* * * |
| "'And sir, there's one more thing...'
"'Just the one?'
"'How did I get the Stone out of the mirror?'
"'Ah, now, I'm glad you asked me that. It was one of my more brilliant ideas, and between you and me, that's saying something. You see, only one who wanted to find the Stone -- find it, but not use it -- would be able to get it, otherwise they'd just see themselves making gold or drinking the Elixer of Life. My brain surprises even me sometimes...Now, enough questions. I suggest you make a start on these sweets. Ah! Bertie Botts Every Flavor Beans! I was unfortunate in my youth to come across a vomit-flavored one, and since then I'm afraid I've rather lost my liking for them -- but I think I'll be safe with a nice toffee, don't you?'
"He smiled and popped the golden-brown bean into his mouth. Then he choked and said, 'Alas! Ear wax!'"
* * * |
| "Albus Dumbledore had gotten to his feet. He was beaming at the students, his arms opened wide, as if nothing could have pleased him more than to see them all there.
"'Welcome!' he said. 'Welcome to a new year at Hogwarts! Before we begin our banquet, I would like to say a few words. And here they are: Nitwit! Blubber! Oddment! Tweak!
"'Thank you!'
"He sat back down. Everybody clapped and cheered. Harry didn't know whether to laugh or not.
"'Is he -- a bit mad?' he asked Percy uncertainly.
"'Mad?' said Percy airily. 'He's a genius! Best wizard in the world! But he is a bit mad, yes. Potatoes, Harry?'"
* * * |
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| "'His memory's gone,' said Ron. 'The Memory Charm backfired. Hit him instead of us. Hasn't got a clue who he is, or where he is, or who we are. I told him to come and wait here. He's a danger to himself.'
"Lockhart peered good-naturedly up at them all.
"'Hello,' he said. 'Odd sort of place, this, isn't it? Do you live here?'
"'No,' said Ron, raising his eyebrows at Harry."
* * * |
| "'But one of us seems to be keeping mightily quiet about his part in this dangerous adventure,' Dumbledore added. 'Why so modest, Gilderoy?'
"Harry gave a start. He had completely forgotten about Lockhart. He turned and saw that Lockhart was standing in a corner of the room, still wearing his vague smile. When Dumbledore addressed him, Lockhart looked over his shoulder to see who he was talking to.
"'Professor Dumbledore,' Ron said quickly, 'there was an accident down in the Chamber of Secrets. Professor Lockhart --'
"'Am I a professor?' said Lockhart in mild surprise. 'Goodness. I expect I was hopeless, was I?'
"'He tried to do a Memory Charm and the wand backfired,' Ron explained quietly to Dumbledore.
"'Dear me,' said Dumbledore, shaking his head, his long silver mustache quivering. 'Impaled upon your own sword, Gilderoy!'
"'Sword?' said Lockhart dimly. 'Haven't got a sword. That boy has, though.' He pointed at Harry. 'He'll lend you one.'"
* * * |
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| "'Loony, loopy Lupin,' Peeves sang. 'Loony, loopy Lupin, loony, loopy Lupin --'
"Rude and unmanageable as he almost always was, Peeves usually showed some respect toward the teachers. Everyone looked quickly at Professor Lupin to see how he would take this; to their surprise, he was still smiling.
"'I'd take that gum out of the keyhole if I were you, Peeves,' he said pleasantly. 'Mr. Filch won't be able to get in to his brooms.'
"Filch was the Hogwarts caretaker, a bad-tempered, failed wizard who waged a constant war against the students, and, indeed, Peeves. However, Peeves paid no attention to Professor Lupin's words, except to blow a loud wet raspberry.
"Professor Lupin gave a small sigh and took out his wand.
"'This is a useful little spell,' he told the class over his shoulder. 'Please watch closely.'
"He raised the wand to shoulder height, said, 'Waddiwasi!' and pointed it at Peeves.
"With the force of a bullet, the wad of chewing gum shot out of the keyhole and straight down Peeves's left nostril; he whirled upright and zoomed away, cursing.
"'Cool, sir!' said Dean Thomas in amazement.
"'Thank you, Dean,' said Professor Lupin, putting his wand away again. 'Shall we proceed?'"
* * * |
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| "'Now, now, Viktor!' said Karkaroff with a laugh that didn't reach his cold eyes, 'don't go giving away anything else, now, or your charming friend will know exactly where to find us!'
"Dumbledore smiled, his eyes twinkling. 'Igor, all this secrecy...one would almost think you didn't want visitors.'
"'Well, Dumbledore,' said Karkaroff, displaying his yellowing teeth to their fullest extent, 'we are all protective of our private domains, are we not? Do we not jealously guard the halls of learning that have been entrusted to us? Are we not right to be proud that we alone know our school's secrets, and right to protect them?'
"'Oh I would never dream of assuming I know all of Hogwarts' secrets, Igor,' said Dumbledore amicably. 'Only this morning, for instance, I took a wrong turning on the way to the bathroom and found myself in a beautifully proportioned room I have never seen before, containing a really rather magnificent collection of chamber pots. When I went back to investigate more closely, I discovered that the room had vanished. But I must keep an eye out for it. Possibly it is only accessible at five-thirty in the morning. Or it may only appear at the quarter moon -- or when the seeker has an exceptionally full bladder.'
"Harry snorted into his plate of goulash. Percy frowned, but Harry could have sworn Dumbledore had given him a very small wink."
* * * |
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| "'Who said none of us was putting the news out?' said Sirius. 'Why d'you think Dumbledore's in such trouble?'
"'What d'you mean?' Harry asked.
"'They're trying to discredit him,' said Lupin. 'Didn't you see the Daily Prophet last week? They reported that he'd been voted out of the Chairmanship of the International Confederation of Wizards because he's getting old and losing his grip, but it's not true, he was voted out by Ministry wizards after he made a speech announcing Voldemort's return. They've demoted him from Chief Warlock on the Wizengamot -- that's the Wizard High Court -- and they're talking about taking away his Order of Merlin, First Class, too.'
"'But Dumbledore says he doesn't care what they do as long as they don't take him off the Chocolate Frog cards,' said Bill, grinning."
* * * |
| "At this precise moment Grawp caught sight of them, the only two humans in a sea of centaurs. He lowered his head another foot or so, staring intently at them. Harry could feel Hermione shaking as Grawp opened his mouth wide again and said, in a deep, rumbling voice, 'Hermy.'
"'Goodness,' said Hermione, gripping Harry's arm so tightly it was growing numb and looking as though she was about to faint, 'he -- he remembered!'"
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